Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
