I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
