I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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