look no pants
My first STD was from a foam party
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
