im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
