I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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