When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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