Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
