Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
