he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
