road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Randomize
