Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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