just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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