I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
