We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
