You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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