woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
