oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
