he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
