I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
