I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
