I hate your face
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I am puke
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
