I just threw up on my dentist
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
