Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
