Soap is not a condiment
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
