in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
