2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
