I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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