You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
