stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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