Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
