You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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