if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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