my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I lost the right to judge tonight
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
