dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
