im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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