boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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