at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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