thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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