How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
