Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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