I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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