OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
