Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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