dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
