The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
