I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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