he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
