when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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