im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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